Healing The Roots
My Journey to Emotional, Mental, and Physical Stability | Overcoming Childhood Trauma
Healing is a journey that often requires us to look back at our past to understand the roots of our present struggles. For me, this journey began with a deep dive into my childhood, where I discovered the origins of my physical, mental, and emotional instability. This is my story of going back to the roots to heal and find peace.
My Childhood: The Beginning of My Struggles
I grew up in Memphis, TN in a large family with six children. My mother had three girls and three boys, each with different fathers. My oldest sister, who had her own dad, was always the favorite child. Then came me and my twin brother, followed by my youngest sister, who also had her own dad. The last two boys were by my dad, making me the only girl by him. Despite my efforts to please everyone and earn their love, I often felt unloved, left out, and unworthy. This feeling of unworthiness and the constant need to people-please became the foundation of my emotional and mental struggles.
Discovering the Roots
As I grew older, I realized that my physical ailments, anxiety, and emotional turmoil were deeply connected to my childhood experiences. The lack of love and validation I felt as a child had manifested in various ways, affecting my overall well-being.
Acknowledging the Pain
Today, I acknowledge the feelings and emotions tied to my past. Growing up, I felt rejected by almost everyone I came in contact with. My desire to feel seen and heard led me to act out at school and seek the wrong kind of attention from the world. I just wanted to not be alone, but even with people around, I still felt isolated.
Seeking Love in the Wrong Places
As I grew older, I sought attention from men, giving them the best of me and becoming obsessed with finding love. I realized that I was looking for love in all the wrong places, neglecting myself and sacrificing my happiness to make others happy and feel satisfied. I gave all of me until there was nothing left. They always left, leaving my cup empty, and I was stuck picking up the pieces from my mistakes.
The Impact of Family Dynamics
For a long time, I didn’t love myself because I didn’t know how. I didn’t get it from home. At this point, I had mommy and daddy issues. I felt misunderstood and had no one to talk to because every time I tried to talk to my mom, I would get bad anxiety. She would always shut me down and not give me a safe space to express myself. I grew up in a house that lacked love, hugs, and the nurturing I needed so desperately. She barely hugged me or told me she loved me, perhaps because she didn’t know how, maybe because she didn’t receive it either.
Forgiveness and Understanding
As I got older, I realized that a parent can’t give you what they weren’t taught. This understanding helped me start to forgive her, but I would still feel resentment whenever I got triggered. My dad was barely around because he was married. I spent years crying, wondering why others didn’t accept me. As I became aware of my own actions and acknowledged my wrongdoings, I realized that people could only accept me at the level I accepted myself. The same goes for loving and respecting myself.
Coping with Trauma
To cope with that trauma, I turned to alcoholism, smoking, and lust to fill the empty void I felt, which always left me feeling depleted in the end. I suffered deep depression and felt like I needed to feel loved, even if I knew it wasn’t real. Once the temporary love left, I realized that I couldn’t put my happiness in the hands of others because, in the end, all I had was me. When I fell, they let me hit the ground. Picking up the shattered pieces left me feeling like I was never going to be good enough. The voice in my head could still hear my mom telling me I was never going to be anything in life but “boy crazy.” I had to leave home at an early age due to all the mistreatment I received.
Comments
Post a Comment